My Own Disguise Is Right In My Words. We Learn We Breathe. The Sky Hears My Plea

Day 917 - It'll Never Change

2011-01-18T16:26:00.003+08:00

Day 917 - It'll Never Change

I may be like the old man that lives across the street from you cuz one thing in common that he and I have is, I hate change. Especially when its in my life, about the people I care about, about me.

People say being the youngest is the most awesomest thing in life. You get doted upon, you get all the stuff you elder siblings had and even more. You get the fullest attention from your parents and all that.
But those are just one small portion of the whole picture. Till now I wonder why didnt my parents have another kid after me, it is a selfish request from my part till now, even after reaching 21 years of age I still ask them this.

Being youngest the things you get from people surely will come. The attention from your parents surely comes. But at the end of the day I know both of these things won't last. Your parents grow old and get more busier and have less time for you, even for the family. You see your siblings grow up and begin to start on their own journey in life while you are still here in an empty house living out your childhood with 6 bed in it but all of which are empty.

I'd rather be the eldest and leave the first then the youngest to see everyone else leave before me. Which is why i've told my mum once before, in this family i'm the first that's going to die. It is very selfish but I know me, i'm the slowest to let go amongst them, i'm the most soft and sensitive but yet i'm the most stubborn of all. I've tried to change my mentality but it always reverts back to this after life kept on proving to me that I can't change no matter how many times I try.

Back to my life, being occupied with National Service isn't helping one bit. I'm trying to live out my childhood while i'm taken elsewhere to do it while seeing everyone around me growing up and leaving the comfort zone I call home.

Sure I keep coming back whenever im unbounded from NS, to come home and spend time with my family if they are there and not elsewhere at work or school. Sure I still come back to school to meet my friends just so I could feel im still one of them, a student at RP still. People often ask me when they see me, "why are you in school?", honestly I could never give them the true answer to that question. Else everything would be so transparent and no one would understand how things are, how things in my life are like so, how I act a certain way when in a situation.

How I live my life in constant resist to change. Because when change occurs, everything else is left behind.

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered
- Tom Stoppard

Day 899 - Eve's The Name

2010-12-31T23:08:00.000+08:00

Day 899 - Eve's The Name

Update on my route to happiness.

I got my tix to Asking Alexandria!!

Sure it costs a bit and im broke like broke back mountain but fuck it im gonna see them live X)))
23rd Feb here we go!

Day 893 - 10 Days

2010-12-25T15:30:00.001+08:00

Day 893 - 10 Days

Haiz/Sighs are the main words to describe my suppositely 10 off days.
The only plan that worked out so far is staying at MBS for dad's bday and mum & dad's anniversary.

If that didnt work out i tell you, im would have done something I should be doing now.

Another 4 plans were supposed to be carried out within these 10 days.
And honestly 2 have failed and 1 is failing.
Leaving with 1 more to work out, which is tomorrow, the outing with W47A.

Gone are the plans to meet with W14Q and most importantly, Mi Mi.
Hopefully not the BBQ with Y2S1 too

I might as well go back to work on the 22nd of December right God?

Thanks for playing out my life as a total waste.
I wouldnt be this mad had I not put in any effort.
But this I had my heart and soul in it.

Now there's no heart of mine left to care and no soul of mine to even bother anymore.

Day 859 - A Day Not Spent

2010-11-21T23:05:00.001+08:00

Day 859 - A Day Not Spent

I remember the days when all I have is 2 dollars,
And i would wreck my brain figuring out which snacks and sweets I should spend it on for that given day.
And it was always not enough.
That was 10 years ago.

Today all I have is have a few hundred on the 11th,
And I would wreck my brain figuring out which bills I should pay first for that given month.
And it was always not enough.
This is 10 years after.

Christina, Christina. Why you so good and pretty? X)

Its growing on me.
Unlike everything else.

What do you think of piercings? And would you like to get anything pierced?

2010-11-15T23:07:00.001+08:00

I like it (Y)

No idea. Somewhere along my facial area

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Have you ever done household chores? BE HONEST!!

2010-11-15T23:05:00.001+08:00

Im not a pure-bred lazy bum eh.

Of course I got do house work.
I used to be quite capable in doing house hold chores believe it or not

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How are you doing? :)

2010-11-14T19:53:00.001+08:00

Fine thankiu =)

Urself?

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Don't you think you're cute? XD

2010-11-14T19:52:00.003+08:00

Errr no.
Cuz it would be gay if i thought im cute 0_0

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Weirdo

2010-11-14T19:52:00.001+08:00

Thanks uh for sharing that thought ^_^

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If im james bean then what are u? :X

2010-11-13T22:27:00.001+08:00

James Dean duh who else? XP

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oh, then what is rule number 188?

2010-11-13T22:26:00.001+08:00

Never ask questions.

Just read the book itself to find out X)

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why cant praise others here?

2010-11-12T20:22:00.001+08:00

Cuz under section 54, line 39, rule number 189 states so

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why do you then 'love' kfc egg tarts?

2010-11-12T20:21:00.001+08:00

Cuz of how the warmth of the tart spreads to my mouth as i bite it each time.

The sheer taste of the egg tart on my tongue sends chills down my throat and spine...

Or that cuz its delicious duh (-_-)

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What do you think will be your mood this Friday? *hint-hint

2010-11-12T20:20:00.001+08:00

As you already know, excited luh sey. See you guy's reaction after not seeing each other for 6 months =D

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If you could go back to April last year and choose to go to NS first before starting school, would you have done so?

2010-11-11T09:19:00.001+08:00

Of course I wouldnt

Though its better to serve NS earlier rather than later,

I wouldnt have met all the awesome people I call friends such as you bro, if i served it last april =)

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Do you like KFC egg tarts?

2010-11-11T09:16:00.003+08:00

I don't like it.

I FUCKING LOVE IT!!! =DDD

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Why does your brother (the cute-as-hell one) call you pig?

2010-11-11T09:16:00.001+08:00

Ehhhhhh want to praise others don't do it here >_< lol

Its cuz I call him kentang i guess 0_0

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Day 846 - Wasted

2010-11-08T20:53:00.000+08:00

Day 846 - Wasted

Getting ops was a blessing I have to say in the end.
I enjoy the work, though its complexed at times, it can be easy once your used to it.
One of the highlight in my miserable month was teaching my junior our job.
Seeing how I pass on what the fuck i know to someone else sure makes me think that,
I want to be a teacher..

NOT! Jokes on you dad if your reading this =X

Ok seriously its like a nice feeling, whats nicer was see your junior being able to teach a newer junior and do it well.

Enough said.

Im still annoyed that I have days of leave to clear.
Sure its fun to have like 11 days of offs I can use.
But a waste when your whol family is busy and cant take off.
So technically i'd be home alone "enjoying" the supposedly holiday all by myself.

Like wasted that I cant go overseas or even malaysia for a 3 day holiday with my family.
Bodoh Singapore rule that made working hours so long.
For the idiot or bunch of idiot who made it so _l_

What are u going to do after NS?

2010-11-08T19:18:00.001+08:00

Im gonna burn one uniform I have and soak in the sheer joy that Im free from the burden of NS, but then put it out before it gets too big so no one would call the fire fighters and I wouldnt trouble them cuz I know a single call will make their day troublesome...

=X

Go out to buy my things for school, clothes, laptop or something then configure that bugger and watch the calendar days go by till school starts a new semester again =D

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Just for the heck of it, Ronnie Tan or Craig Gardner? :X

2010-11-08T19:13:00.001+08:00

Ronnie Tan cuz he made Under One Roof fun to watch back in 95 =X

But Craig Gardner cuz he assisted my team in Fifa Manager a lot =XX

I can't decide

XD

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Who would you rather do, Queen Latifah on a soft bed in candlelight, or Megan Fox who is bald on the head but super hairy under her arms and pussy, reeking of horrible BO?

2010-11-07T01:41:00.001+08:00

When I saw Megan Fox i was like yelling hands down her.

BUT!

In this case its still her, but ill probably close my eyes, make sure my hands stay away frm her under arms and hold my breath while "doing it"...

ROFLMAO

Sick bastard who asked this question

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Why now Craig?

2010-11-07T01:39:00.001+08:00

Cuz after 2 albums, he blends well tgt with the band, gel thru time i tell you

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Who sia? Ronnie Tan or Craig David? :S

2010-11-07T01:38:00.001+08:00

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!! THOSE WERE CODE NAMES SIOL!! (-_-)

As in ronnie radke or craig mabbit (-_-")

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Day 842 - Grass Is Greener On The Other Side Mindset

2010-11-06T13:06:00.000+08:00

Day 842 - Grass Is Greener On The Other Side Mindset

This shit happens everytime when Im looking forward for something.
Typically my day off.
Always at work, hell, ill look forward for a time to rest.
The 2 day break seems like heaven.
But when im experiencing "heaven" I wish to be back in hell.

In a place where there's so much possibilities,
It's impossible to smile or be grateful about anything.
New beginnings are so close to liabilities,
Yet the annoyance of nothingness is always lingering.

Ronnie or Craig?

2010-11-06T08:57:00.001+08:00

Last time it was Ronnie, now its Craig fersure

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ETF latest album okay only eh. Not really that good.

2010-11-05T09:17:00.003+08:00

Who is this uh say ok only? >_<

Actually I havent even listened to them all, where got time?
Give me a week then ask me again =P

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Are you a pervert?

2010-11-05T09:17:00.001+08:00

NB call me a pervert! >_< lol

The question is what do you think =X LOL JK

No im not X)

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If you had kids, what would their names be?

2010-11-01T14:24:00.001+08:00

Qais II, Kazakis, Khafeit, Qaizher etc =X

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Have you heard ETF's latest album?

2010-11-01T14:23:00.001+08:00

Havent gotten hold of it, is it good? =O

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Day 833 - Endless World

2010-10-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

Day 833 - Endless World

I start to dream when I close my eyes,
I start to live when I fall asleep,
I start to redeem when my body lies,
I start killing when I fail to keep.

Recently I live my life without the comforts of a safety net,
I give my life to the ones I have never met,
Recently I threw away your life without the comforts of thinking twice,
I gave your life to the throw of the dice.

Its times like these when you make me the victim of your drive-bys,
Its times like these when you know when to say your goodbyes,
Its times like these when I see what you would do to sever our ties.

Unfinished, is the word that describes our relationship,
Impossible, is the word that describes this "friendship",
I knew it, are the words that lingered on my lips.

Too many are the times you kept me under,
Too many are the times I kept you as my wonder,
Too little are the times you were dismissed,
Too little are the times we were missed.

With these new pair of eyes I am blessed,
With this new life I know I survived God's test.

Are you bored ?

2010-10-22T23:28:00.001+08:00

With life, hell yeah

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Day 824 - Once Before

2010-10-19T14:29:00.001+08:00

Day 824 - Once Before

Those were the day,
These are the nights,
All the feelings that we thought to stay,
Disappeared without a fight,
Breaking down like clay,
Nothing to held them all tight.

Mistaken always as another step forward,
Which turns to a number of paces in reverse,
A fool for wanting something better in rush,
So ignorant to think like a coward,
Thinking that its about time I get what I deserve,
Not feeling anymore of the crush.

So my thoughts have told,
The urge to ponder at grey has gotten me sold.

Are u a joker?

2010-10-19T09:21:00.001+08:00

Only when im with those im close with, other than that imma good innocent boy X)

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Have u ever slept nude?

2010-10-19T09:20:00.001+08:00

Never before, cuz I share the room with my brother!! =X

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If A jumps into B, what happens to C?

2010-10-17T00:25:00.001+08:00

C would continue on walking cuz it didnt have any idiot bumping into it (-_-)

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You forgot handphone products =P

2010-10-17T00:23:00.001+08:00

Walaueh why so lame??? LOL
I cant say abt that hp product cuz me not sure whether is it gd or nt =P

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If you were a fruit, what would you be and why?

2010-10-14T22:04:00.001+08:00

Any type of berry.
Cuz I could be made into many things like drinks, bread products etc.
Basically any food products that I like,

Plus they taste nawice! XD

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What are apple tarts made of?

2010-10-14T22:00:00.001+08:00

Apples, flour, sugar, cinnamon, egg, butter, powdered icing etc

Typing it out sure makes my mouth watery

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What is your take on alien existence? Possible or not?

2010-10-09T10:24:00.001+08:00

Oooo this is a tough one.

Im really torn, im 50-50 about it.
U can say im open to the idea X)

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Do you believe in angels?

2010-10-09T10:23:00.003+08:00

Yes I do

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What time do you sleep at night?

2010-10-09T10:23:00.001+08:00

Kinda early nowadays. Usually before 12 =\

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Day 813 - Im Going Back, Don't You Regret

2010-10-08T21:00:00.001+08:00

Day 813 - Im Going Back, Don't You Regret

A celebration in my eyes,
A disappoint in yours,
This beating is filled with those,
In the vessels that I survive with,
Im given nothing but I make do with it,
I can't make sculptures with just shadows of failures,
I can't make the trophy that I wanted to present you so badly,
First try is never enough for me,
My spirit only awakes at the 2nd chance,
You want the very first,
Anything less is buried,
Even before I could show you the scraps that I glued back together,
It aint pretty,
It aint beautiful,
Its all that I know in life,
Its what I only know,
Doing things right with the 2nd try.
Im always a runner up in my eyes,
Always the losing card in yours.

With the roads i've been through, i'm still the same.

How really old are you?

2010-10-04T21:13:00.001+08:00

Gosh next time sentence this properly k =P

Very old 21 (-_-)

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What is a hobo?

2010-10-04T21:12:00.001+08:00

A hobo is homeless but violent person, or it is a brother of yours that has his name starting with the letter "S" XD

Lol jk I really aint sure =X

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Day 807 - Bright Start

2010-10-02T16:39:00.000+08:00

Day 807 - Bright Start

Just as it reads, after a bright weekend on 25th of September, everything went wrong by the time the week after it ended.

High note, met Mi mi on sat after like Jesus knows how long.
Did a lil exercise with her, by that I mean walking.
U simply cant get anymore exercises from that lazy bum girl X)

The lil girl was so stubborn that everything I advised that we should do, she went against it.
In the end we kinda paid for it all.
One was taking the train instead of walking cuz it was raining.
Honestly that was one of the things worth mentioning cuz I cant remember the rest cuz it happened like last year (my week passes by so slow hence this reference).

From those experience I can see why God didnt give me a younger sibling, cuz i'd prolly kill them or maybe I already did but mum and dad don't want me to know cuz when I killed them i was perhaps too young.
But nonetheless, the late night questions I have b4 I go to bed has been answered.

I don't have younger siblings cuz I'll get annoyed or just whack them. =D

Fast forward to the rest of the week, it was plain like this...

Wake up in the morning all giddy and nausea.

At times heading to toilet and throwing up all I ate last night.

Fainted on bed (ok sure seem like it) then heading to hospital to see the doctor give me numerous outcomes about what happened but somehow I keep getting the same medications.
Which doesnt work, but i just eat them cuz they're all i've got to "recovering"

By end of the week I hated soft diet and im facing at the outcome of getting thrown out of medic course.

But who cares, this is fate.

Just don't recourse me, other than that im fine with it.

Just get this ns thing over and done with.

On the brightside, im no longer scared of getting IV'ed on my wrist or arm.
Nor the sight of my own blood.

I just hate the feeling of having something stuck into me and that the room temperature is cold.
It makes me smile like this =D or this =B =Or this =E
Though I cant control it.

Whatever happens, I hope im ready for it, for once.

Thank you God.

Day 794 - Ok This Really Is It

2010-09-19T12:48:00.000+08:00

Day 794 - Ok This Really Is It

This Monday is really when I have to take my resuscitation test together with my first theory test.
Its really gonna be hard remembering both chunks of stuff at one go.
But thats when my exams are scheduled.
To make things worse, im gonna have to take the resus after class which means ill prolly get home really really late =\

I really hope Ill pass them both, cuz if i fail the theory test, I wont get to go home.
Boo-hoo.

So wish me luck in them both yeah? =D

On another note, im getting used to the fact that I got this MOC as my vocation.
So I hope all this waking up super early and getting to go back really late will be a norm to me this week.

Day 787 - Ummmmm

2010-09-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

Day 787 - Ummmmm

I have the first big medical test tomorrow and i havent even opened my notes =X

I so hope its easy cuz im reluctant to study till late night.

So here goes nothing for tomorrow yea?

Wish me a huge fucking luck for it

IT'LL BE ALRIGHT!!!!!

i hope so ( . _ . )

Day 785 - I Conquered

2010-09-10T00:53:00.000+08:00

Day 785 - I Conquered

I did it,

at the grandstand of BRTC,
at the drain by the red track,

I did it,

on my room floor,
in the toilet at both BRTC and home,
by the parapet at Geylang Serai.

I did it,

Tell me where else do I have to pour out myself before I get better?

If your smart, you guys will know what the fuck im talking about XD

=X

Day 784 - That We Can Carry On

2010-09-08T23:09:00.000+08:00

Day 784 - That We Can Carry On

That things are better this way

Day 784 - Isn't It True

2010-09-08T23:04:00.000+08:00

Day 784 - Isn't It True

Day 781 - Nothing Has Changed

2010-09-05T17:44:00.000+08:00

Day 781 - Nothing Has Changed

When your in my hands, i'm guided.
When your head rests on my body, i'm warmed.
When your body moves within mine, i'm breathing.
But when you smiled, I realized.

When night turns to day, I dream.
When day turns to night, I wonder.
When the clock ticks, nothing moves.
But when it stops, everything does.

When the vision slowly starts to show, I close my eyes again.
When the realization starts to play, I dream even more.
When the company starts to disappear, I feel more.
But when i'm awoke, I can't recognized that this is how it should be.

My hand is idle.
My body is benumbed and vacant.
I'm no longer drawing air in.
I realized, that it was all the former that played when I was asleep.
A single thought to cease an endless moment of blithe.
An idea that came into the other's head.

Day 781 - Popping

2010-09-05T17:11:00.001+08:00

Day 781 - Popping

Finally my recruit life is over.
Not after numerous turbulence has it finally ended.
No more being hounded to get ready for lessons on time.
No more getting punished cuz some idiot did something wrong.
Most importantly, no more stay ins =D

Now let's hope that the vocation I get rocks or at least not boring and manageable.

----------------------------

It pains me that for my POP, I have nothing to show for it, no pictures to show for it.
Nothing I could share with my family and everyone else.

Makes me feel that it was all a waste of time.

Just like my graduation.

No ceremony no nothing.

Just a last day of school followed by months of holiday,
Then comes a period where we go to school to take our o-level cert.
Within and hour I was on the way back thinking,

What the hell was that?

Just like this POP.

Pfft.

Day 774 - This Is What We Want To Believe

2010-08-29T17:18:00.002+08:00

Day 774 - This Is What We Want To Believe

It will eventually will Mi mi.

Alls Well Ends Well.

Day 774 - Step By Step

2010-08-29T17:16:00.001+08:00

Day 774 - Step By Step

Past this part for sure =)

Day 774 - Lie

2010-08-29T17:14:00.001+08:00

Day 774 - Lie

Day 774 - Typical

2010-08-29T17:12:00.001+08:00

Day 774 - Typical

Story of my book out nights

Day 774 - As Usual

2010-08-29T01:30:00.000+08:00

Day 774 - As Usual

Day 774 - Part Of The Full

2010-08-29T01:21:00.000+08:00

Day 774 - Part Of The Full

Day 767 - Dreamer

2010-08-22T14:53:00.001+08:00

Day 767 - Dreamer

Its hard to handle love,
But i'd like to at least have that problem to think about,
And not simply wonder how hard it'll be like,
Or how nice it'll fell like.

Praying for someone to have to the up above,
Hurts more when all you see is a dark cloud,
Instead of a free high flying kite,
Even amongst negative winds still succeeding in taking flight.

The pay off will make us forget the hardships,
The beauty of overcoming everything with each turn,
Its what make us last with this relationship,
And not giving up upon the first thing that set us up to burn.

But all that is just words,
When i've got nothing to show for now,
I close your eyes and pretend that I still do,
I don't need pictures to show what i've been through,
I have my memories to lead me to the direction I have to go to.

Day 767 - Marriage

2010-08-22T13:19:00.000+08:00

Day 767 - Marriage

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

By Stephanie Halmilton

Day 767 - Limits

2010-08-22T03:03:00.000+08:00

Day 767 - Limits

Day 767 - Torn

2010-08-22T02:50:00.000+08:00

Day 767 - Torn

Day 767 - Saved

2010-08-22T02:47:00.000+08:00

Day 767 - Saved

Day 760 - When It Reality Is Affected

2010-08-15T18:23:00.000+08:00

Day 760 - When It Reality Is Affected

Day 760 - Common Men

2010-08-15T13:52:00.002+08:00

Day 760 - Common Men

Day 760 - Things Change But Everything Stays The Same

2010-08-15T13:51:00.001+08:00

Day 760 - Things Changed But Everything Stayed The Same

Day 754 - Looked Forward

2010-08-09T02:07:00.000+08:00

Day 754 - Looked Forward

All these months I was looking forward to this long book out break.
Not long exactly, just 2 days more.
Its not long cuz uts never enough.

K enough of that.

After looking forward to it since the first few weeks of NS,
I was happy that it finally came.
But now I wish that it never did.

Cuz first of all, dad got ill once more.
Everything seem to be happening on repeat,
All the bad moments,
All the anxiety and uncertainty.
Why him?
I kept on wondering.

But wonder as I might, God wont ever answer,
Like I know why.

With dad having to ward once more,
I tried to brighten up the mood by getting dinner for mum, sis n bro to eat at home.
Now Im regretting it.
Thinking we could spend some time together to reflect what has happened.
Barely 10 minutes at the dinner table, and all that were left was me and brother.

I always try my best,
Its mostly the rest who never try to meet me at least halfway.
I wonder why I keep remembering and others kept on forgetting.

Makes me want to have that scene from Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind to happen.
Where memories are erased so I could start over on a clean slate.

But like this saying goes,

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending".

I know that its not possible but I keep on wishing.

Am glad that I get to spend time with twinny and brother on Saturday.

Day 746 - "Home" Sweet "Home"

2010-08-01T13:40:00.000+08:00

Day 746 - "Home" Sweet "Home"

These are my platoon mates from the same dorm.
Am gonna miss their retarded antics and annoying-ness.
Especially those of the two buddies of mine.
I wonder how quiet things will be from now on, with my "therapist" and "clown" gone to fire fighting course.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take me away from my home,
Place me in a house,
Gather the runaways along side me,
We made ourselves a home within these 4 walls,
Now time took us all away separately,
Leaving us to start build everything brick by brick once more,
With no cement to hold the bond between each stoned soul together,
This wont last long before nature tears us apart,
So why did you leave a good structure empty?
So why did you broke down the alternative when it was told to be built?
When your not in charge of you fate,
Others will change you instead of changing themselves.
I belong to no one and no where when im living

Day 746 - In August

2010-08-01T01:44:00.000+08:00

Day 746 - In August

When I entered 8 weeks ago, I was sad for selfish reasons.
When I enter after two months, Im sad for unselfish reasons.
The fear that I had back then became present.
Unrecognizable even we were eye to eye.
This is when I let go of things that I shouldn't hold onto as a lesson.
After all things kept on changing right after I finally got a grasp at reality leaving me at "bye".
Speaking doesn't help in my part.
It never has and will always won't.
Everything placed in my gut.
As nothing answered when I called in all the possible tones.

In August
Things have been at its hardest.

With opened eyes Ill no longer see.
Never forgot how things used to be.
Pouring down a sky of insecurity.
A dream of destination and the thoughts of being free.

Im just a silent man on his way to neverland.
Never thought I would mean so much,
so much without a simple touch.

Day 739 - Lesson Learnt

2010-07-25T15:06:00.000+08:00

Day 739 - Lesson Learnt

Medical week came and went.
It was enjoyable cuz we didnt have to sweat only till friday.
It wasnt good cuz I somehow thought about the people at home more.
It was good cuz I get to learn some medical stuffs.
It wasnt good cuz I couldnt sleep at night.
It was good cuz I passed all my medical tests.
It wasnt good cuz its over.

In all despite going through the week that I've looked forward to all this while,
It was a bad week on my books.
Its easier to talk to my close platoon mates about family and my other problems.
Once talking it out always make me feel better.
They know what to tell me to do and feel.
But one thing I know they don't know how to advise me to feel and do to forget.
Is how to forget someone who is special to you but not in your life anymore.

That is still a struggle for me till now.
Thats the reason why I have some medication with me that would help me not think,
And just knock me out on another sleepless night.

I wonder when is the day when Im able to say, Im free from NS and you Fasihah.

Day 738 - Late

2010-07-24T12:38:00.000+08:00

Day 738 - Late

This is a very late post fersure.
But I still want to post it cuz its for me dear brother ^_^

Though this year its rather quiet and empty for your birthday,
I sure hope it will be more lively for you the next,
I tried all I know to make it fun for you with the time I have,
And I promise you ill get more time to make it better for the next year for you kay =)

Don't care that your friends and some of our family doesnt or are not in the spirit of celebrating your birthday.
Just see that someone very special who is away who made tonnes of effort to get you something she know you will like.
Too bad shit happens, but she still got a cute tee in the end =P

On my part, my fucking happy that I made you happy, regardless of whether others did or not,
Cuz I got to make you happy at least and see that special smile on your face.
Knowing I could still do that makes me feel at ease and not regret unlike always.

So Happy Belated Birthday to my favourite brother/bestfriend Panda-Panda =)

Day 732 - Call Me

2010-07-18T01:09:00.001+08:00

Day 732 - Call Me

You call me heartless,
I call it hiding my feelings well,
Happenings dampen my thoughts into depress,
But my front doesn't do show and tell.

Worry not about the possibilities of dreams,
Worry about the outcome of the present that show us nothing,
I'll make sure the future will give us what we want, so when the the night comes our smiles will gleam,
We'll get back our paths to interlink.

Day 731 - As If Everything Was Held in Place

2010-07-17T20:23:00.000+08:00

Day 731 - As If Everything Was Held in Place

Another week on light duty.
The fear of being getting recourse for my PTP is scary.
I don't wanna go through an addition 8 weeks of exercising cuz of of my stupid immune system and injury.
I hope that by the time this coming medical week ends, I can somehow work well without any illness or injury for once and pass my ippt before ptp ends.
This is so that I can get the medic vocation that I want.
Then another 5 weeks of BLT which will be more exciting and hectic than this PTP period.

Recent happenings in my dorm has made my platoon mates blame me for causing them all to one by one falling ill cuz I was the first to be ill.
Hahah, screw you guys for having lousy immune system like me =P
As much as I like to see the end for PTP,
It is quite sad cuz when it ends about 50% of my platoon or maybe more will be gone as some of us will go to SCC and FCC vocations.
Let's hope those who go won't be so greatly missed and those who are left behind aren't that bummed out by these and just continue with BLT like no one left.

One news that has made me sad is that Of Machines have disbanded due to their singer leaving initially =(
And I thought they are going to be better in their next album especially with a unique singer like Dylan.
Too bad things had to change.

CCB

I keep thinking about W47A, Y2S1 and Mi Mi in recent times,
Prolly cuz I cant meet them this and maybe the next week.
Haiz.
Hopefully im not forgotten.

Dear family, please all of you get well soon.
Don't kaypoh each other and be sick can?
XP

Piece

Day 726 - What's New

2010-07-12T23:42:00.000+08:00

Day 726 - What's New

Spent the whole week in camp on light duty.
Cuz the running on monday depleted my pain barrier for my lower spine.
It got freakingly worse after 3 rounds of running around the track.

I couldnt walk normal pace.
They had to send me to the MO.
And the kind doctor gave me 7 days of light duty.
Seems long but without meds it isnt enuff as 6 days later, my spine still hurts when I sit and run.
And im all out of painkillers once again.

Little did I knw things would get worse,
Come Wednesday night, fever and cough suddenly came worse.
So weak that after the training ended along with dinner which was at 6pm.
I slept all the way till 7am the next day.
My Lance Corp, let me skip light duty and breakfast cuz I was too weak to wake up.
Sent me to the MO and into sickbay I went on Thursday.
Slept from 10am till 1.30.
Woke up then for lunch.
Slept back till 5.30pm.
Woke up then for dinner.
Slept till 7.45am on Friday.
Had to wake up and go for review at MO again.
Fever gone.
Felt better.

A few hours later I was home at 6pm-ish.
Fever came back and I was back on square one.
Feeling tired, feverish and full of coughs.
Ate dinner with parents and ate meds.
But still went out to meet Y2S1.

Had an awesomest time so I dun regret the aftermath of it.
Even though I got worst lol.

Went to CGH on sunday and got 3 days MC.
Went into camp to endorse and got to stay home till tuesday night (tomorrow)
Feeling slightly better as the fever is gone.
But the wanting to vomit is still strong.
Pray for me that itll be gone tomorrow can?
I want to train with my platoon like before =)

Hopefully things will be better for me tomorrow onwards.
I have to catch up a lot and pass my IPPT before BLT stage so I can aim higher then.

Piece!

Day 725 - Older

2010-07-11T00:57:00.002+08:00

Day 725 - Older

Happy 72nd Birthday to a bakua named Mi Mi <3

So old ready but still prangai like small kid.
You way off from you age, so start catching up with it k?
=X

Hope you'll be having a really good birthday even though under some bleak circumstances.

Btw I miss you a lot.

kthxbye

X)

Day 724 - Replay

2010-07-10T18:19:00.002+08:00

Day 724 - Replay

The way we're living makes no sense
Take me back to the age of innocence
I wanna go back then
Take me back to the age of innocence
Back to the age of innocence

When clockwork fixed by lights and books
When singers wrote songs instead of hooks
When the value wasn't in the price
When the fight for life was in the civil rights

When we could live life through a screen
When everything you knew was as good as it seems
When the only worry was the concept of sin
When did it begin?

I wonder if I could,
Go back to old Hollywood
When presidents dropped blonde bombshells
Instead of creating the perfect hell

The way we're living makes no sense
Take me back to the age of innocence
I wanna go back then
Take me back to the age of innocence
Back to the age of innocence

When pharmaceuticals were there to make life beautiful
When the way that we were born was more than suitable
When everybody thought they could make a difference
And you couldn't get your pics within an instance

I wonder if I could,
Go back to old Hollywood
When presidents dropped blonde bombshells
Instead of creating the perfect hell

The way we're living makes no sense
Take me back to the age of innocence
I wanna go back then
Take me back to the age of innocence
Back to the age of innocence

I wanna get older, don't fight my age
Take me back to those simpler days
I wonder how it all happened
I wanna get older, don't fight my age
Don't wanna be the shade of a scalpel's blade
So please tell me, please tell me
What ever happened? Happened?

I wonder if I could,
Go back to old Hollywood
When presidents dropped blonde bombshells
Instead of creating their lives to hell

The way we're living makes no sense
Take me back, take me back
To the age of innocence
I wanna go back then
Take me back, take me back
To the age of innocence
Back to the age of innocence

I wanna get older, don't fight my age
Take me back to those simpler days
I wonder how it all happened
I wanna get older, don't fight my age
Don't wanna be the page on the scalpel's blade
So please tell me, please tell me
What ever happened?
Happened?

Day 718 - What Did You Do?

2010-07-04T02:09:00.000+08:00

Day 718 - What Did You Do?

Spent my Friday time after booking out and met up with,
Mi mi at her "favourite place" (-_-)

Got in terms with each others lives about what's happening and happened.
Spent time talking and walking.
Walking so much till someone got tired.
And that person wasnt me =P
First time I walked along the river at clark quay
Even better that it was at night and slightly drizzling.
Made things more relaxing and better.
Till I got home and crashed.

Then I spent my Saturday at home followed by going out with bro for Ignite.
The bands werent fun but being out with brother was enough for me.
Seeing how much or little RP has changed made me thought about the past.
About the Ignite from the previous year.
Who I went with and who I came back with.
At least this time I came and left with the same person.

RP really was "destroyed" by goons who have no proper way of life honestly.
Though I no longer belong there.
Its still irritating and sad to be there to witness it.

I hope Ill have more time for you guys next week
And that you guys have time for me too
Especially to those who I didn't get to meet for quite some time or ever.

I'm wearing off from my own life

Day 717 - SOS For The Source Of The Sauce

2010-07-03T15:59:00.000+08:00

Day 717 - SOS For The Source Of The Sauce

Im halfway through PTP stage and still with BLT stage to go.
And Im already tired of coming back every week and be remembered at how things and people have changed but myself.

They always say, its better to leave people behind rather than being left behind.

Day 704 - Harder Than You Know

2010-06-20T14:12:00.000+08:00

Day 704 - Harder Than You Know

Not the type of book out I'd like.
Things at home like going more worse.
Lesser family time this time around.
Hopefully next week there'll be more of it.
I need it so badly.

On the brightside, I still got to meet

Lu Suppa Group

And

Baby Manje =X

LOL

Happy 18th Birthday to this rascal chinese boy who pretends to be malay named Darren Yeo X)
Finally you can smoke legally =X

Hope you have a more awesome birthday than you are now (even if thats not possible lol)
Don't forget to sleep ye boy boy!
<3 you darlingsx! XD

Dear dad,

I expect you to pull through the operation with ease and recover as fast as you can.

Don't let us down, don't let me down.

My back hurts cuz you have yet to massage it for me =X

And gain back all you weight for me please?

I don't want to be the third heaviest in the family =\

Love you to the core.

Id give you my heart and intestines if it could make yours better

Day 704 - Intentions

2010-06-20T01:37:00.001+08:00

Day 704 - Intentions

People complain about a catastrophic day they had,
Ill complain about a catastrophic week I had.

Went into camp once again on Sunday night,
I thought about the possibilities of my dad's operation.
Everything could go right, but everything could go wrong also.
I cried myself to sleep like a freaking pussy.

Then Monday came things picked up,
The exercises helped me forget.
Then Tuesday I fell, stupid people and luck, never fall in my favour.
Till not my spine hurts just to sit and lie down.
I was told to not get another MC or id go through guard duty.
And I thought we were told to preach that, safety is our top priority?
Apparently to some it isnt the case.

I looked forward to coming back on Friday morning.
Saturday noon came.
And I looked forward to not coming back home.
How things seem to fall apart and I can't be here to make sure that it doesnt.
Everything is growing up and becoming old.
And im forced to spend time at a place that will discipline me and make me go fit.
Id rather die young and fat than be fit and live long without the ones I love.
If I could write a letter to the people in charge of this NS system, believe me I would.
I know I have to serve it one day,
But why go through all this to take away all that hard work that I've built from me,
Only for the "benefit" of the country?
A country that I wasn't even born in.

Lessons have been thought to me so many times.
And Ive learnt from it all.
So why do you keep making it worse for my family and me?
Tell me why should I even be talking to you.
Cuz when I do, you listen to it but gave me the opposite of what I prayed for.

This is not what it is, only baby scars.

Day 703 - Show Me The Way

2010-06-19T04:56:00.000+08:00

Day 703 - Show Me The Way

Boring week in camp.
Tiring monday,
Painstaking tuesday,
Forgettable remaining days.

How the heck do i get my x-ray done asap?

Day 697 - Remember To Forget Why You Came

2010-06-13T03:55:00.000+08:00

Day 697 - Remember To Forget Why You Came

Thanks for the meet up last week!

W14Q

W47A

Y2S1

Bakua Cheese Bun

My Family

You guys still owe me more! =X

Especially,

Ham2,

Fisher,

Dino

SGS

<3 you all gundus

Day 696 - Minor Retreat

2010-06-12T01:10:00.000+08:00

Day 696 - Minor Retreat

My first book out like finally came

After 4 grueling long days =X

Managed to surprise dad and be called "sir" while I was at it =D

Day 692 - No More

2010-06-08T03:22:00.000+08:00

Day 692 - No More

I got no more time for anything

Sorry to those I couldnt have time for

When I book out from camp yeah?

Enjoy your time not visiting here.

But don't you guys forget me, I won't forget you all =)

PS: Stupid clock had to tick, didnt get to do a last tribute post to everyone I care about (>_<)

Day 682 - Before There Isnt Anymore

2010-05-29T01:55:00.000+08:00

Day 682 - Before There Isnt Anymore

---Rewind to Thursday---

Emotional day at school.
It was going to be my very last day in RP.
Not cuz im going to graduate,
Its cuz they are pulling me out for NS.

Till now, only some of my Y2S1, W14Q, W47A friends and family know im leaving.
Not cuz I don't wanna tell and just disappear.
Its cuz I don't know how to tell them.
So please those who know, spread the news for me yeah?

Thursday was the days I got the most hugs in my whole life.
My last hug was on my and my ex's 2nd month monthsary,
By the staircase at bugis MRT station.
That was special.
But Thursday was much more.

I didnt want to come to school,
I did.
I wanted to partial,
I didn't.
I wanted to spend more time with bakua,
I didn't
I didn't thought of spending time with Y2S1 peeps,
I did.

Im glad for all this, but one.

I spent the last few hours in RP with,
Azri, Elfi, Elaine, Ming Yang, Samantha, Ruban, Geoffrey,
playing truth or dare till 9pm.
It was spectacular.
I know there will be more of this,
Though I know I won't join them for that.
As much as i'd like to.
We went back.
Got hugs from sis, Ming Yang, Elfi, Azri.
I wanted to cry.
If only it was longer.

Went back with Samantha,
she played a game on her iphone,
I watched.
Got another hug before I alighted.
I wanted to cry.
If only it was longer.

Before all this,

I met with bakua after school,

Did something really important before it was too late.

And got a hug.

I wanted to cry

If only it was longer.

I reached home.

I cried.

If only the day was longer.

Day 674 - I Miss, I Miss

2010-05-21T23:11:00.000+08:00

Day 674 - I Miss, I Miss

The walk through Admiralty Park.
The aimless roaming around Singapore
The scent of your hair and skin
The jokes we crack from dusk till dawn
Getting lost in each other's arms
Getting lost around Woodlands
The efforts you made for us to meet
The webcam sessions during my day off or when your bored
The webcam sessions during our e-learning period
The weekly movie sessions after school
The weekly outing during weekends
The daily wake up call
The texts from morning till night
The meet up by the pantry
The excitement that builds up at the thought of meeting
Meeting each other at least once a day
Saying to people "im with (you)" when they ask who I am with
Purposely choosing the longer journey home just to be together longer
Meeting up to walk to and from school
Dressing up with similar clothes
Dressing up in the same colours

Ok now tick which ever necessary if you are past close friends, present close friends, ex girlfriend, weirdos who don't relate but wish to.

Perhaps more to come

Day 671 - Tucked Inside

2010-05-18T15:28:00.000+08:00

Day 671 - Tucked Inside

In my back pocket there it lay,
Opening it, underneath a few layers of leather,
Were the pieces of feelings that remained as papers,
Folded in shapes that only we know what they meant,
How it felt.

Wings to fly up when we are dropping too low,
Signs to point us to the correct path,
And organ of yours with me and mine with you,
Papers showed the past not with words,
But with folds.

In my back pocket lay the wallet,
That still contained pieces of you tucked inside a safe corner,
Where they'll remain there for times that won't ever come again.

Day 665 - Finding It Back

2010-05-12T23:03:00.003+08:00

Day 665 - Finding It Back

I read Austin Carlile's tumblr and am amazed,
At how people such as him can be so happy.
When everything is so freaking dumbly stoopid and that its not improving.
But yet he is smiling and happy, when things could go wrong any minute for him *touch wood*
Me thinks people like him have found that key thing in their life that makes them smile.

Too bad my journey is far from that thought bodoh.
LOL.
Who cares.
Its a fucking journey and im gonna do all the shit I can.
Am already on that road.
I seem to be enjoying it even with no smile on my face.
Maybe cuz deep down I know I will make it all stop soon
=)

I tried to make things thaw this time with my ex.
At least I had things to talk about.
Unlike you, but guess maybe its still awkward for you.
Do more and itll be less for you.
After all we have to talk about it something right?

We talked abt something unrelated.
I thought I firmly planted the wall infront of me.
Felt better cuz I did it.
But then the wall just disappeared.
And I still find myself like how I was 11 months ago.
Wanting to prove to you im a good person.
Tried my best to prolong the convo.
In the end of it all im disappointed in myself for doing so.
Why do I care for someone who doesnt care about me?
No one knows.
My freaking actions is making me feel worse.

Good luck to any goons who will be having their UT's tmr,
That means you Bakua, you, Jojo, Syam and Lilo (i think) lol

Day 665 - Could You

2010-05-12T02:43:00.002+08:00

Day 664 - Could You

Now that we got this far.
It all comes down.
I had to lose you to find myself.
Now you got this information.
Would you wait for me?

Hello Fascination

Day 662 - Different Perspective

2010-05-09T23:17:00.000+08:00

Day 662 - Different Perspective

I can't pen things that haven't mend,
These thoughts in me make it impossible to pretend,
Things are going well in the front and not the back,
But changing this could make this life more not intact,
Nothing could ever be like the imagination I had, perfect.

Striking each day with the stick to not regret,
Gaseous exhales make it easier to not fret,
Don't you dare come to me and tell me you care,
Just keep the distance between and from afar just stare,
Show me your form more than you should and it'll destroy my lair.

Every possibility that could happen would be gone,
I know it won't be true,
Its best to let them linger in my head and taunt,
Better dreaming falsely than reacting only to rue,
A possible selfless act comes far and few.
Its not the only thing I could do,
But I'm doing the only thing is good for you.

Day 659 - I've Made It All Up

2010-05-06T23:55:00.000+08:00

Day 659 - I've Made It All Up

I woke up and I knew things will get shitty.
So why be shitty around people when you can do it on my own?
I went to school and then head back once it was 2nd break.
It won't change for the better if I stayed.
Went back with Fattah, Sam and Min Yang
Walked back with Min Yang which really opened my eyes and lungs.
Never felt more clear then.
Im bound to do that.
So why fret over it?

Only thing that is blocking my way is that student loan.
Once its cleared up, its smooth sailing for you guys.

PS: I don't care, I'm trying not to care so it would be easier.

Day 658 - Yes

2010-05-05T19:54:00.002+08:00

Day 658 - Yes

Theres a superstition in me that recently developed.
That everytime my handphone dies, I'll see my ex.

Cuz it proved the same twice.
Much to my dismay.

However much to my may,
It didnt happen on Monday.
Im a believer on coincidence and not "meant to be",

On that day I lurked low in the library,
waiting for Lina and Hajar.
My handphone died when they called,
I was telling where I was and it died.
Again all my conspiracy theories came up and about.
Thinking that I would meet my ex,
The curved went downwards.
Then once the two girls came, one side went up.
Not hoping for the best I wanted to bolt out of school once we got our movies.
Turning to my left,
the corner of my eye caught a familiar face.
"Oh shit!" I thought, i reluctantly fixed my vision and saw...
Not my ex (phew) but Bakua!
Nasib bodoh! Hahaha.

Weird thing is, when I logged into msn when I reached home,
I got an offline msg from bakua saying she'll head to the library,
and she wants to say "hihihi" then "byebyebye" if I recall.
Coincidence is, I went off b4 that msg was sent.
And I didnt tell her I was heading to the library =O

Im still as surprised as you are now =X

Rewind to Today (Wednesday)

I had a dream,
Not Martin Luther King Jr's dream I mean.
I can never have that kind of dream.

So as I was saying, I had a dream today.

Dreamt about this girl.
We spent our time together day and night.
Our life seem to revolve around each other.
Nothing else had any say in it.
We had no work, no school, no responsibilities.
Just each other.
Every touch of the hand,
Every scent of hers every,
Every sight of her smile made my smile present.

Then even in the dream I realised who it was,
But I still kept on dreaming.
Hoping it would never end.
I know it was a dream.
I didnt want to wake up.
Knowing that reality would just take another second of my life that I could enjoy.

Then I woke up to my families noisy ways.

In the dream the girl was my ex.

Instead of exhaling a a breath of relief.
Out came a sigh of regret.

I know the dream was wrong but even when I woke up,
I wished I was still there.

At least I had a good company till I slept back.
And then I woke up and took a walk.
And returned to the same company for some smiling time.

Thanks to you, you saved my days.

PS: Lilo, I take back saying "i kinda miss you",
Since you showed off that everyone else did too =P

So as of now, I don't miss anyone! HAHAHA XD

I'm afraid to move forward.
I don't want us to be another candle in the stand,
That will only burn out and fade away

Day 657 - Something Different

2010-05-04T00:47:00.001+08:00

Day 656 - Something Different

I faced one of my problems today.
And am taking it rather well.
Im still breathing as per normal.

Day 656 - Thanks

2010-05-03T00:15:00.001+08:00

Day 655 - Thanks

This isnt an award show if you wondering.

Im not giving out awards to people for recognition.

Im writing this to highlight someone who was there for me when I seek for them.

This time it was Mi mi. Not calling you Bakua cuz this is serious talk =X

Thanks for the mature and straight advice about how I should deal with what Im facing and feeling.

I still think your a sweet talker, full stop =P

I buy everything you said, especially those advices, but I can't about what you said about me.

I know its not true.

To talk or not to talk?

To ignore my thoughts or to ignore you?

I can't decide

But your winning

Tomorrow will be an interesting day for change, one that will blow your mind away

Day 655 - Party

2010-05-02T03:04:00.000+08:00

Day 655 - Party

Even though we don't care about each other now,
You still want to be in my plans somehow.
Last time you were in my plans after school.
We would walk through Admiralty Park.
Tip toe-ing our our way while avoiding every centipede we encountered,
With you looking down on the ground cautiously and telling me not to walk too fast.
Then I would carry you in my arms to the remaining distance till we reached the bus stop.

But now our routine is more like this,
Every Friday no matter I am at.
No matter how I plan my routes to go to class or around the campus.
We'd somehow stumble upon each other.
Last week was just a slight glance at one another.
This week a face to face encounter.
With contact furthermore.
Tell you what, I know you're up and running.
But Im still not so just put in more effort then I might be.

As much as depressing and saddening I felt on Friday,
It felt slightly better that at least the first step to overcoming what I dreaded is taking off.
Us meeting that is.
I know we are bound to meet some more.
And I know itll suck more but itll help for sure.

On a different note.

My experience in class has been better this week.
Sure we all could be better but this is a start.
Some people have settled into their classes with ease.
For me it usually takes time, cuz im slow to adapt.
But for this lot of people, its going in the right direction.
And I have a feeling they are an excellent bunch.
So more of the same and ill be more happier in the weeks to come.
=)

On a similar happy note.

I've had a bite of Bakua.
She tasted naaawwwicccceeee!
I mean the cereal she gave me tasted nice =X
Didnt expect our first porper meet up to go off rather well.
Though what happened after the meeting was playing me down.
In the end I knew what mattered for me in the day.
=)

Day 652 - When The Ground Isnt The Lowest Level

2010-04-29T00:41:00.000+08:00

Day 652 - When The Ground Isnt The Lowest Level

No shit there is a basement in this hell whole?
This I gotta avoid,
You thought.

Then God snapped his fingers and brought you there.
You know there is no way out,
When if you end you life there, you'll only end up there again still.

That is when God says, "HAHA!" at you.

You know life exists just to show us how many million ways humans can be screwed by.
It gets even more sad (funnier to some) when you try to fight it off.
Only to end up lower than you already were.

That my friends is Jesters best work on us all.

Day 648 - Of All Times

2010-04-25T20:32:00.000+08:00

Day 648 - Of All Times

Robin Hood would be proud halfway,

You stole better than he did,

Your cause is simply strayed away from his through course,

With a single delay,

You got down running on your feet,

Returning back like nothing was lost.

The shot that was supposed to warn,

Hit me and went through my soul instead,

Like the 40's war, you came through with all guns blazing,

The spark you ignited in me still not gone,

Don't you play around with me anymore and have me led,

For the memory of our Alexandria is still razing.

Your light points to the shore,

Locking into my eyes to start off the lost spark for the light house,

Why is your ship sailing towards my port?

Don't come here anymore, anything you've known is just a folklore,

Here let me have you memory and have it doused,

Of all times to come back why now dear God?

Day 647 - Woe, Is Me

2010-04-24T13:27:00.000+08:00

Day 647 - Woe, Is Me

Stuck in the dark corner waiting for daylight to arise,
Who knew it would be my demise?
When it crept by the right side of and peeking entrance,
As the ray drip into the room,
It brought along all the words that explain doom,
Things warmed up and let itself out into the atmosphere,
A figure turned into the corner and stood by the entrance,
Everything in me stopped as it stood there for a complete second,
Something seemed wrong with the sight my heart beckoned,
Its glare went straight into my eyes and destroyed the growth of life in me,
All that I could do is feel and not see,
Dissolving my lungs and heart, I begged to God to take me away,
With good purpose he left me in hell,
As the end rang with the final bell,
Together with the well paved road his intentions laid with.

I struggled to higher ground for a better breath,
Only to find what others call death,
As he just let the devil come,
So much till he gave us rain to stumble upon,
Hoping to teach us something left unknown,
When all is gone the things Ive owned,
I did what I thought myself,
Abandoning his road to a better life for good,
Time and time again I know I've understood,
Its not as cruel as the one I wake up in everyday,
On the edge of good and bad life is where I wont remain to hope and stay.

Day 644 - No One Knows

2010-04-21T15:23:00.000+08:00

Day 644 - No One Knows

My faci liked my drawing,
Told me to come up with my own sketch book so he could see my work.
Made me happy till class ended.
Didnt get to meet anyone so I went home.
Now I cant get out of this rut.
To you,
Rot in hell, the silence has been so pleasant.
Lets keep it that way.
I never liked you anyway.
Lastly, don't flatter yourself.
Fuck the rest.

Day 643 - Fictional Story

2010-04-20T00:04:00.003+08:00

Day 643 - Fictional Story

Two spirits have wandered the plains for ages.

Tales have been told about them in many pages.

Both seek the single body that will make them whole.

Being alone sends winds that have been leaving them in the cold.

All they want were a body for their souls.

Having decided to share what they own together,

things were becoming better.

Their routines for this body became their world,

just like the oyster that builds its life around its pearl.

It was everything they know, it was everything she know, it was everything he dreamt of knowing.

Unbeknownst to him it was just a glimpse of a better life that is of God’s showing.

The man with the power decided the show has an ending,

7 short months of living and not pretending.

But there’s nothing that could be done as it was already fading.

She parted away from him with the body they both built and lived in.

Leaving him bodiless unregretful just like she’s leaving an unworthy sin.

As her life flourishes,

his diminishes.

The world he once lived in is left as nothing but a crave and memory.

Finding heaven only to lose it is this story’s irony.

Dun ask abt the font n color, its a cntrl c cntrl v frm my rj =P